Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
