did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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