Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
