Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
