if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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