so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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