we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
