I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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