I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
