my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
worst night to have a conscience
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
