i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
