Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
