I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
