We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
