meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
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