It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
