When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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