These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
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When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
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I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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