u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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