Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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