Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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