I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
