it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
