About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
