Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
