I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
