it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
