my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
