What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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