8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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