You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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