3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
