I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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