I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
