have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
