drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
