Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
