she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
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I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
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Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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