Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
