But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Randomize
