i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
