pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
