I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
