I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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