i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
