Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
