I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
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you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
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Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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