cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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