I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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