I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
