When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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