Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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