Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
