Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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