Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
