This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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