Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
