Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
