She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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