He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I want a musical about memes.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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