you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
