Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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